Monday, 21 April 2014

Burn Jita Cancelled Due to Budget Cuts

In a shocking revelation, The Mittani announced today that the long-awaited Burn Jita 3 event will be cancelled this year due to budget cuts. The sudden cancellation was sparked after Greater Western Co-Prosperity Sphere lost a 15bil freighter to a Goonwaffe POS. The loss has crippled the renter alliance's income for this month, and has directly led to the cancellation of many CFC services.

While Burn Jita is the most well-known service cancelled, Goonwaffe's 100% bonus to peacetime reimbursement has also been cut. "The cuts to SRP have been a nightmare," we were told by Bob Starseeker, Goonwaffe's EU recruitment director, "I now only break even from losing ships in PvP, rather than make a ridiculous profit. It appears the days of making Brave Newbies sing for isk are over."

Of course, many who directly oppose the CFC have shown delight at the recent turn of events. Self-proclaimed Goon-haters have literally taken to the streets in celebration, claiming that this is surely the end of Goonswarm's reign of tyranny across highsec. Xenuria, CSM 9 candidate, posted a video on his Youtube channel expressing his delight over the news. An extract from the transcript can be found below.
"Hello... I am Xenuria... in case you can't already tell. And this is the interview where I announce, publicly and officially, my delight at Burn Jita being cancelled. And you may be asking yourself, as I mouth these... deliciously silky words: How does this affect me? Why should I care? And maybe I can answer that with a question... if you're intuitive enough to relate. Do you enjoy the sock puppetry? Do you enjoy Mittani, CCP's buttboy? If the answer is no, then this is amazing news for you. This, my friends, marks the end of Mittani's evil influence over New Eden. CCP's buttboy will surely quit Eve now, dissolving the blue doughnut forever. And remember... vote for Xenuria for CSM 9, because... I'm different... I'm STRAAANGE."
Despite the lack of Burn Jita this year Miniluv have been running freighter ganks around the Jita area and have made some impressive kills. Included in these are a MoA freighter pilot who lost his freighter, then undocked another one, took the same route and subsequently lost it again.

While no Burn Jita this year means many ignorant freighter pilots are safe, thousands of Eve players looking forward to the action will be left disappointed at the lack of hilarious lossmails. This has delighted Ripard Teg to no end, who previously stated he believed all people who laughed at the killmail of an innocent carebear who had been murdered are psychopathic criminals and will go to hell with Erotica 1.

Friday, 18 April 2014

James 315 Permanently Banned for Bullying Highsec Miners

Today, it was announced that CCP have banned Saviour of Highsec James 315 for "repeated harassment of miners across New Eden". The decision has come shortly after the banning of Erotica 1, and was supposedly inspired in the same way - a blog post made by CSM candidate Ripard Teg.

"After being elected to multiple CSMs thanks to my voters, I wanted to give more back to the demographic that elected me. My ban of the physchotic, evil torturer Erotica 1 went some way to that, but I wanted to go further" Ripard told us in an interview. "So I thought, why not just end non-consensual highsec PvP all together? Think about how many highsec carebears with dozens of mining accounts voted for me!" Unfortunately, Ripard could not stay to answer more of our questions, as he was too busy contracting all of his assets to be moved by a Goonswarm recruiter.

Of course, many prominent highsec figures were quick to express their support of CCP's controversial decision. "It's fantastic news for me." Gelvon Goblin told us while hiding from RvB in his new wormhole POS. "Since James 315 and the rest of his New Order are all Mittani alts, it means the Mittani has been banned too. This will finally give me a chance to take a highsec POCO and make MAD ISK!"

The New Order, along with other residents of highsec who possess a brain, have come out as against the move. Claims that banning a player for bullying is against what the game stands for were quickly shot down by CCP, with comments stating that "harassment is morally reprehensible, and verifiable examples of such behaviour will be met with disciplinary action against game accounts in accordance with our Terms of Service."

Regardless of decisions made today, economy experts have predicted that James 315's sudden departure to the game will cause highsec infrastructure to suffer greatly. The cash flow that was generated by the sale of mining permits was integral to the economy as we know it, and its absence may lead to a complete collapse of markets across New Eden. While we at the Eveonion strive to remain neutral in these matters, we hope that the brave men and women of the New Order will continue their leader's legacy by continuing to sell mining permits, and we wish them luck in their endeavour.

Friday, 14 March 2014

The CFC Declares War on Guristas and Serpentis

Following his coalition's successful wars against N3 and BL, space emperor The Mittani announced his coalition would be deploying to their home regions to fight a counter-offensive against their greatest enemy yet: the belt rats and NPCs of the north and west.

This could be the greatest challenge yet faced by the coalition since their formation in 2010. The #1 killer of Goonswarm Federation ships in 2013 and other alliances in the CFC have suffered similar results - media magnate Xander Phoena lost three Ishtars to hit squads of Guristas in anomalies in the month of February alone.

Many have questioned whether the CFC have the ability to win this war. After a successful campaign of mostly-AFK combat in the south, they are hoping to repeat their tactics by using the mighty AFKtar with a newbie doctrine of Vexor Navy Issues and Dominixes with support wings of Noctises, Mobile Tractor Units and Encounter Surveillance Systems.Many speculators have been quick to comment on the controversial inclusion of the ESS - many believe it will harm the CFCs campaign rather than aid it due to the threat of third-party interceptors siding with the NPCs.

It's more than likely we'll also see ratting carriers deployed, with a higher concentration in Delkein. Ratting carriers are one of the Guristas' greatest weaknesses - and they know it. It's likely they'll hire locals including Mordus Angels and Triumvirate. to use their capitals against the carriers. Without their help they'll be powerless against the 10,000 DPS tanked carriers hoovering up Sanctums by the hour.

Enemies of Goonswarm have sneered at the fact that they can be easily defeated by people who can't change their damage type and have easily predictable and well-known fleet compositions and positions. Gevlon Goblin was among these people, and was quick to publicise his hope that this war would allow him to take one or two highsec POCOs. Others are calling this a sneaky rouse by CFC leadership so they have an excuse to not save the Russian block from their inevitable demise at the hands of Hero and N3.

It's unclear how long CFC morale will hold up in this war - losses to NPCs are not eligible for SRP and taking on an organisation that's generally accepted to be immortal with a limitless supply of ships can be intimidating. At any rate it's clear that people who whined about the blue doughnut after B-R5RB are idiots and are not to be trusted.

Sunday, 2 March 2014

Baki Yuku Steals Black Legion Dread Cache After Being in the Alliance for One Day

Renowned cunt and artisan bullshitter Baki Yuku again found himself a source of controversy today, after it emerged he had stolen 57 dreadnoughts and 14 carriers after being in Hover Inc. for just 28 hours. CEO Wirk Hoover was unable to explain 'who let the shitlord in' or how he was given any form of corporate roles.

Some people would point out it's disturbing that Baki Yuku was let into any corp following his period of failure in Test and Insidious Empire. His corp was admitted into Hand of Despair, Darkness of Despair's renter alliance, as part of a plan by Russian and CFC leaders to 'stop him from accidentally causing a fail cascade in one of their alliances. A Goonswarm Federation diplomat explained the situation.
"It was imperative that we kept Baki a safe distance from us, which we achieved by giving his corp a place in HD in return for him not joining any of our alliances on alts. We were worried that even if we said we'd never give him roles, he'd coax some lower level director into giving him roles by firing a volley of bullshit, like 'hey I need starbase config. roles to set up a POS for my 20 titans.' Unfortunately, he escaped on Saturday. We've got no idea were his alts are now, he could transform any of our alliances to shit with the Baki touch at any moment."
The move took most Black Legion members by surprise. Although they saw his application thread on the forums which was subsequently accepted, most thought it was a highly amusing joke. There was 'outrage and disgust' when he actually joined, with many suiciding frigates into the CFC in protest. Baki delivered a short speech to his alliance, in which he stated he planned to use his 'growing number of titans' against the CFC, despite numerous threats that his titans would be awoxed.

With Black Legion on the verge of dying after suffering Baki Yuku, many are asking whether he could be tamed and used against potential enemies. He has now killed three of the four alliances he has been in, a rate greater than any spy has ever achieved. It seems few people are unwilling to approach Baki in case their capital caches disappear or their titans get aborted.

Baki Yuku kindly agreed to speak with me regarding these claims.
"Look I did it for a good reason. I recently bought 86 dreadnought pilots to compliment my 19 titans and 33 supercaps, but I didn't have the dreadnoughts to fly them. I had to borrow some BL dreads because I lost the Test cache, I don't know where it went. I promise I won't do the same thing to the next alliance that accepts me."
People are debating whether Hoover Inc. will be Baki Yuku's last corp. With all alliances in the CFC, Rus and N3 now blacklisting him he may have no choice but to use an alt to steal more capitals. We could see a rare display of coordination across nullsec as all major coalitions attempt to thwart the cache-stealing menace that is Baki Yuku.

Tuesday, 18 February 2014

Many People Angry Due to Hellcamp of O-W778

Research by professional tearologists has pointed to the conclusion that the ongoing CFC hellcamp of 0-W778 is angering large numbers of players. The report also highlighted that a disturbing number of people believe The Mittani acquired his place of resident through real money transfer, and that he also consistently purchases chicken from KFC using the same method of income.

Many of these tears can be seen on the comments sections of Eve News 24 articles, and are generally more illegible and poorly thought out than the posts themselves. This will give you some idea of how bad the situation is. Several comments theoretisied that if everyone stopped visiting Eve's premier news site themittani.com the leader of the CFC would be forced to abdicate. EN24 commenter and N3 member 'Robo' was particularly anguished at the hellcamp, posting this:
"Bahahahaaa a faggot, ohh wow... Shouldn't you be on TMC sucking mitts cock, guzzling cum, licking your lips of every last slither of jizz. Never had to fire sale anything at all, if ever needed that's why having alts in cfc alliances is useful as well as selling over priced ships to them of course.1 a penny ol boy."
Appropriately named 'Subhuman' gave his theory on why the State of the Goonion was not held on Valentine's Day, inferring Mittani was cheating on his wife with his dog:
"Mittens was too busy with his ... what teh fuck is his dogs breed anyway looks like someone took a real dog and shrank it so he wouldnt feel so inadequate .. date last night"
Many third-party spectators grew worried that the game was being destroyed by the so-called 'miatttani'. One of these people were concerned that corporations in N3 renter corps would be forced to go back to lowsec or highsec, apparently unaware of the fact that both the Russian block and the CFC have renter alliances of their own:
"So its been stated that you don't want to ruin the FUN of the game, yet by destroying a large coalition that is N3 you wipe out all their rental corps which without living behind the banner of N3 would never get to experience nullsec for a majority of them.... But meh it is what it is and the freedom of EVE and the nature of man will always produce some form of Dictator that tries to make their claim in the universe and everyone else just rolls along with it."
erratic1212 displayed his erratic behaviour and noted that despite the fact that the CFC declared war months ago, they 'hasn't done shit', despite playing a large role in the largest battle in Eve's history, pondering the question 'how do you dec war when you're already in one?' He concluded these observations by saying "Just more dork ass mittins spewing propaganda." 

The same man popped up again multiple times in the thread to deliver his valued opinion on the present situation.
"Mitsuck is the biggest shit on this game there is. It would be so much better without him and his cry babie goonturds.Remember all the crying they did after they tried to crash the node and it backfired?"
While of the Grrrr Goons crowd speculated The Mittani RMTed using his alliances income, erratic believes he makes money for his alliance the other way round - by using ad revenue from themittani.com to give to his alliance. Apparently this would make the CFC completely destitute if everyone chose to boycott the website.
 "Yep, funny how all the suck in the game gathers to take out far lesser forces, cries like little girls when they get spanked, and think they've accomplished something when they win.It truly is pathetic.
 But, hey, Mittens has RMT from his web site, and that is what it's all about.If everyone boycotted that website, you'd see the game change dramatically."
Terrible Name revealed the truth behind the CFC - they're actually led by a combination of Hitler, Darth Sideous and Richard III.
"The problem is people like you don't 'get' goons. They play the fucking Imperial March before Mittens delivers his speech. Goons revel in pretending to be an evil empire lead by Hitler. Its a massive joke for them. Goons dont take this game seriously, and they understand Mittens plays a self aggrandizing propaganda machine spinning narratives like a tornado and they love him for it. Mittens is basically playing Richard the 3rd in space. "
Themittani.com again came under attack, with an N3 member again making a Nazi comparison.
"Don't see mittens camping with you eh, grinding in bombers?... Oh yea he wouldn't waste his time doing that, he doesn't need to logg in ever, his lackeys serve their purpose once more.
TMC is a tool for the modern day version of Nazi Germany, you have Mittens as your Dictator, milking income into his wallet while doctrinating the majority of cfc in censored propaganda devout of anything more than half truths at best/ lies at least."
He was backed up by one of his bad-posting kin.
"The truth will out. Think on this goon peons ratting yourself into an early grave .. IF Mittens was not involved in RMT, how could he afford to live in NY AND give up his job. 1.5 cent clicky adverts? I think not." 
Apparently ratting poses some kind of health hazard and can result in you dying early because The Mittani is involved in RMT.


The Tear Research and Investigation Unit put their findings together to produce this graph. We asked leading tearologist Dr. Endie to explain these results to us.
"We can clearly see some disturbing evidence that N3 have become extremely sad after this event, building on the already dangerous levels of discontent that we saw following B-R5RB. These emotions could continue to increase over the next few days; at around 100 Tear Units (TU) we'll begin to see people get so angry they quit their corp, at 150TU the more enraged members will begin to incoherently spam characters in local like highsec miners, then towards 200TU we'll see people ragequit the game and biomass their characters. We've seen some negative TU readings from the CFC, indicating tears of joy and/or happiness, while PL have continued to be chill throughout the month."
It's only a matter of time before the 0-W778 station is flooded with tears of its trapped residents, causing people to drown and die. With the number of respectable arguments made by members of N3, pressure is growing on The Mittani to put a stop to this atrocity.

Monday, 10 February 2014

Next EVE Expansion Is Just Microsoft Excel

Acknowledging that EVE is basically a game for nerds that love spreadsheets, CCP has boldly decided just to hand out copies of Microsoft Excel for their next expansion. Since most of you are in fact nerds and do in fact love Excel, an extra free copy of Microsoft’s popular virginity retainment software will likely be a big hit with fans. Here’s the official, and might I add delicately worded, press release:
“Listen, nerds, don’t deny how much you love numbers, math, and masturbating so we’re gonna phone this one in and give you a free license to Microsoft Excel. We both know you go a big veiny one for spreadsheets so don’t even bother to flame us. And while we’re at it, next up on the product roadmap is in-game integration with RussianMailOrderBrides.com (do we know our demographic or WHAT?). Also we’re introducing a ‘Plex for Pizza’ program where Dominos will deliver a hot cheesy circle of garbage straight to your door in exchange for a PLEX. All it takes is the click of the Dominos icon in your Station Services panel.
Of course, once we roll this out to nullsec all the big alliances will drive the price of PLEX down to try to just defeat their enemies by coaxing them into a food coma. We’re all about the meta game here at CCP.”

What follows is pure editorialization on the author’s behalf, which I realize is highly unorthodox for the Eveion which has never posted an untrue thing in its entire history, but I think this move is a game changer. I, for one, can’t even remember the username and password to my PVP toons. I get home from work, pop open a Zima, and roll out multiple Planetary Interaction spreadsheets across my three massive monitors. I then (also did I mention I am naked from the waist down for this part?) marvel on how if I squeeze out 3 more Nanites from Jita IV per day I can make one extra Wetware Mainframe 13 months from now! Haha, take that CCP: I just fucking won EVE. 

Wednesday, 29 January 2014

Grath Telkin's Head Explodes After B-R5RB

Notorious angry fleet commander Grath Telkin was lucky to escape with his life yesterday when his head literally exploded after his alliance lost dozens of supercapitals in Eve's largest ever battle.

The incident kicked off when the first Pandemic Legion titan went down. Fleet members report Grath being unspeakably angry; he was unable to even form a coherent sentence. Things were made severely worse when another 58 titans belonging to his coalition also met their deaths. On top of all this, someone in fleet then claimed they were set up by CCP to promote publicity for Eve Online.

At this point a large explosion was heard on mumble. Fellow PL FC Makalu drove to Grath's house to check he was okay.
"Part of his skull had detatched itself from his head but I placed that where it should have been, it kind of felt like doing one of those 3D jigsaw puzzles. His brain was still intact so I don't think any harm was done there. Then he woke up, told me he 'wanted every dead motherfucker out of the alliance', and tried to insert his microphone into my rectum. He seemed like his usual self to me but I took him to hospital just to be on the safe side."
Grath reportedly suffered from some amnesia, asking if JEFFRAIDER's alt JEFFTHECHEF was a bad person that was going to cook him, but he recovered and remembered the cause of this unusually severe hypertension within a few hours. Grath agreed to speak with me in exchange for a small donation to #AGMARMONEYTEAM.
"I want to make it clear I have seen retarded before, but until tonight I had never seen fucking retarded. I experienced a fucking new level of fucking stupid retardation. I don't even expect a Brave Newbie to be that stupid. Still, it's made me realise that I should stop getting so angry over this game. But I just can't help it when there are so many shitlords in my fucking alliance."
Grath's colleague Shadoo had a reaction that was the polar opposite of his, claiming this defeat was 'long overdue' and he'd been praying for this defeat to happen for several years. Nulli members were asked for comment, but none were available as they had been crushed to death by Lazarus Telraven's throbbing erect penis.