Sunday, 31 January 2016

CCP Declares Plot to Stop Sion Kumitomo Running for CSM XI Has Been a Great Success

The intrigue of CSMGate#72 has deepened after it emerged that CCP had been working to depose Sion from the CSM ever since he announced he was running for it.

An anonymous CCP source told the Eve Onion that this scheme had been in the works for quite some time.
"Earlier this year we asked Jeff Edwards if he'd like to write a book on Eve. Naturally he accepted, but we told him we're pretty shit at businesses and told him he should do it for The Mittani's website. We knew mittens see the opportunity to make money and accept it, and we also knew that he would manage to fuck up the Kickstarter so it didn't get funded, which would prompt Sion to throw a few fits and become hated by the player base. Now we could exclude TMC executives from running by rightly pointing out they are a business and may have a conflict of interest. Voila, we won't have to deal with Sion next year."
This isn't the first time an intricate scheme has been worked out to overthrow a CSM though.
"Back in 2012 we were faced with the prospect of having mittens on the CSM for yet another year, and that's not something anyone wants. Just before the alliance presentation started I handed him some vodka and told him 'if you drink this you'll get bare keks out of the audience.'  He took my advice and told someone to kill himself. Absolutely shameful behaviour. We had no choice but to remove him from the CSM after that."
We were assured that CCP are hard at work to find a way to dispose of Xenuria. Allegedly it's such high priority that every staff member at Rejavik is working on it, pushing back the release of Citadels by at least two months. Most players have accepted the delay is reasonable.


Credit to Niden for the article idea, his wallet will be enriched by 42,000,069 isk. If you would also like your wallet to be enriched and you have an idea for an article, send it to Tubrug1.

Sunday, 24 January 2016

/r/eve Reader Contracts AIDS, Hepatitis C and Ebola From Badpost

The Eve subreddit has been placed under quarantine after an innocent bystander was hospitalised due to coming into contact with what bystanders described as a 'truly horrific post'.

It's believed notorious /r/eve denizen Derty Dan was responsible for the offending literature. Fortunately Gorksi Car happened to stumble upon the thread while on active mod duty and was able to remove the dangerous comment before it could do any more damage. Gorski suffered only minor injuries, caused by his head dropping onto his desk.

Sion Kumitomo was quick to again point out the danger /r/eve posed to the health of the game.. Speaking to the Eve Onion, he said "High calibre authors will look at this and think 'wow these faggots can't post for shit'. No one will want to deal with 'that shitposting community.' This will deprive Eve of new players and it will die."

Derty, who came close to scooping /r/eve 2015 poster of the year award, was reported to be distraught after he heard the news. It's rumoured he has gone into a self-imposed exile in which he plans travel around the world to meet the finest posters bestowed upon the human race. Doctors caring for the anonymous victim have tried to reverse the damage by exposing him to /r/evedreddit. However, this has only made his condition worse.

Wednesday, 20 January 2016

Highsec CSM Candidate Admits He Knows Fuck All About Eve

The Eve community was in shock yesterday after one CSM candidate who has never entered a lowsec system confessed his knowledge of the game did not extend beyond the ability to lock targets, activate modules, warp around and dock.

Nico Zeuron commanded the support of three small highsec mining corps, with a combined total of eleven members. He had been assured he would at least be #4 on the ballots of two of these corps, before these disturbing new allegations came to light. Nico had assured his followers that he was a PVP veteran. "I once killed a suspect Thrasher on the undock in Jita. That's a Gallente battlecruiser", he clarified. "Chat shit get banged, that's my motto".

Zeuron's platform had been based around implementing an 'offline mode' to Eve so 'psychopaths cant go around killing peacful [sic] people', as well as significantly boosting yields to highsec ores. He then came unstuck when prospective voters started asking questions. The budding miner turned to a close friend to decipher terminology he was unfamiliar with, such as 'wardecs' and 'lowsec'.

It quickly became apparent that the Zeuron actually had the same level of Eve knowledge as a three hour old player. He later admitted he had not yet entered a system with a security lower than 0.8, saying he was scared James 315 himself would be waiting for him on the other side. We tried to contact Nico to clarify his side of the story but he had auto-reject on and his CSPA set to 1mil isk.

Thursday, 5 November 2015

Excerpt From Fountain War Book Leaked

An extract from Jeff Edward's controversial new book based on Eve was posted to reddit earlier today, recounting the early days of the Fountain war.

"Dabigredboat looked up from his screen. He had just read how Imperium forces had been successfully contested a shield I-Hub timer in NOL-M9 on New Eden's premiere news site, www.themittani.com. 'I'm sure glad The Mittani's smooth leadership and charisma is enough to keep 35,000 faggots in line', he mused to himself.

Noting Test would probably be too cowardly to come out for another fight for today, the captain returned to his antiquated 42,000 year old PC from the planet known as Earth. Although most of the components had to be replaced, his Nvidia graphics card, noted for its extreme processing ability and sheer durability, still worked just fine. He loaded up his favourite game H1Z1, awarded the 'Most Timeless Zombie Survival Game Award' in YC113. He was in the privileged position of having a special 'His Regards' Machete, which he redeemed from the themittani.com welcome pack along with a decent helmet and an alright shirt.

Meanwhile Kcolor, one of the leaders of the Imperium's bombing squad, was sitting cloaked in a backwater system in Delve. Suddenly, an enemy Nyx-class ship warped to the anomaly he was in. Kcolor tried to motivate himself to summon a fleet of Imperium ships to destroy the krab but he could not do it; he had fallen victim to Hearthstone's exciting and entertaining gameplay. 'It's okay, it's Test so he'll probably forget to turn his tank on and get killed by Blood Raiders', he told himself."

Backers have praised the writing style, with the author managing to sell even a fairly unexciting part of the war. Although some have complained about the amount of product placement in the book, The Mittani has reassured backers there will be no adverts in the actual book for those who pledge more than $200 to the kickstarter, and only one advert every three pages to those who donate $50.

Friday, 18 September 2015

Imperium's Closed Door CSM meeting with CCP Results in Drastic Changes

Cries of pain could be heard this morning from members of the Kill Death Ratio Group after CCP Ytterbium announced that Citadel Structures, Eve's next desperate attempt to save its player base, would require extensive sieging and would force alliances to commit serious assists to the field.

Early reports are coming in have found that during a closed door session of the CSM, members of the Imperium's CSM team and CCP Games met to discuss further removal of "Fozziesov" as a game mechanic. An interview with a member of the CSM that wishes to remain nameless revealed the situation.
“The meeting was closed door, meaning that the player base will not be hear about it in the minutes. Members of the Imperium coalition, namely Sion Kumitomo, demanded that CCP games step back from their failed attempt at Hacking Online. The part I liked best was how easily CCP developers bent over in front of the round table."
He paused for a second before continuing. 
"It was really something, the way the devs handled the pounding, I have never seen that in a game company before. I mean here I am trying to improve on the Fozziesov mechanic so players can have more elite player versus player content but instead CCP is taking one up the backside from Sion. I am really concerned that future changes like this will continue away from the players eyes."
Some have questioned CCP's "CSM meetings" in the past, with heavily redacted information similar to the United States CIA notes, but this might have gone overboard. More details will come in as we get them but this has to be the biggest scandal of Eve Online since T20 first happened many years ago!

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

CCP Fozzie Unveils Ship Rebalances for June Release

Eve's #1 killer of nullsec coalitions today released a variety of ship balances intended to complement the release of the new sov 4.20 system, in which systems will be conquered through Entosis Links rather than grinding.

The most anticipated change was that of the Ishtar. With the Entosis Link being a highslot module, many expected the prevalence of droneboats to increase in nullsec.
"I've decided I can't really be fucked to deal with you since you'll whine whatever I do, so we're just going to remove the Ishtar from the game. We''ll replace it with a T2 version of the Exequror that gets a 500% bonus to cargohold volume per level of Heavy Assault Ships. You can all go and fly Stabbers or something now I guess.
This was easily the most well received balance of 2015, but CCP Fozzie wasn't done yet.
"Some have also pointed out that interceptors may be slightly overpowered in the new patch when combined with Entosis Links. To fix that, we're reducing the powergrid for all interceptors to around 5 MW. This should restrict them from fitting both a MWD and Entosis Link but keep them open to a variety of other applications.
Finally, CCP Fozzie said this on the state of capitals post 4.20 sov:
"There's been a lot of concern that capitals will be useless and underpowered after the June release. And yep they will, best sell your super to someone in Imperium I guess. If you've got a problem with that, I don't give a FUCK. My name is CCP Fozzie and I do whatever the fuck I want.
Some have questioned CCP Fozzie's mental state after footage of him challenging a model Rifter to fisticuffs emerged from CCP HQ last Thursday, but this set of balances have mostly put these fears to rest. Analysts are now casting their thoughts towards the next ship rebalance, due in Spring 2016.

Saturday, 25 April 2015

Sleepers Follow Seekers to Highsec in Search of a Better Life

Huge numbers of sleepers have been spotted across highsec, allegedly seeking asylum after years of genocide committed by wormhole dwellers.

One of the leaders of the refugees took the time to sit down with us and discuss the last six years from their perspective:
"At first we thought Apocrypha was a pretty good expansion. The guys who came through the wormholes were alright and didn't try to invade our space with POSes or anything, they just wanted to take a bit of Arkonor and C-420. We had absolutely no problem with that, we didn't even complain when they took the odd nanoribbon here and there. 
Then people slowly realised having a POS in a wormhole was a pretty decent idea and we had to live with them. We started getting pissed off when they started bringing dreadnoughts into sites. It seemed really tryhard to us and the only way we could really kill them was if they disconnected or if they were complete retards.
The final straw came when CCP added POCOs. Before we could do PI quite profitably while we were waiting to spawn into an anom and collect it through the Interbus Offices. Then the players knocked down the customs offices and built their own, with huge fuck-off tax rates. When we saw Circadian Sleepers had been peacefully living in k-space for the better part of six months, we saw potential to live the peaceful life we always dreamed of in highsec."
The sleepers have been trying to assimilate into the local populace, and large numbers have been spotted trying to do the tutorials in newbie systems. Occasionally they will try to strike up conversation with their new found colleges, with one reportedly saying "hello I am noob)))" before continuing "how to find relic site?"

Faced with the prospect of losing PVE content in their home systems, scores of wormhole corporations have followed the sleepers into highsec. JackvanDan, the proud CEO of a PVP specalised C1 wormhole corp, claimed the sleeper exodus was unfortunately timed with a preplanned corp field trip to highsec. "We had this planned for weeks mate", he assured us. "We're just seeing what its like to be a mission running corp. Honestly, it's been on my calender since last Tuesday. Our recruitment's still open though, if you've got 150mil XP and you're good at PVP just pop your application in. No API needed."