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Sunday, 30 June 2013

James 315 Elected CEO of CCP

James 315, also known as the Saviour of Highsec, has today announced he has become the CEO of CCP by popular vote. The owner of minerbumping.com was able to exploit a loophole in Icelandic law to vote on behalf of employees at CCP, in a similar way to how he was voted Saviour of Highsec.

The move has drawn a mixed response from Eve players and CCP employees. CCP Hellmar, the former leader of CCP, has said that although he is now unemployed, he acknowledges that the move will be good for Eve in the long run. Not everyone has taken the news so well though. We asked an enemy of the New Order for his views on the subject. He simply said "f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f*** f***". James's New Order and many residents of Lowsec, Nullsec, and W-space are delighted at the change of leadership. It seems likely that Eve's development will now be based on James's CSM 8 Agenda.

James stated that ever since he pulled out of the CSM 8 race he has been working on a way to influence the development of Eve. The development came when an angry miner who James had bumped tracked him down in real life and threw a book containing Icelandic Corporate law material. He discovered he could displace Hilmar Veigar as CEO by achieving the votes of 80% of the staff. This represented a dilemma, until he remembered he could vote on behalf of the staff, as he was voted to be Saviour of Highsec by the miners themselves.

Some of the changes the Saviour wishes to make include the immediate shutdown of Dust 514, with all isk seized from Dust characters and transferred to Eve characters with active subscriptions. Dust is expected to go offline permanently during a regular downtime tomorrow. It shall also be posthumously renamed Dust 315 in honour of the new leader.  Other non-Eve changes include the abolishment of World of Darkness and giving a 95% paycut to the employee who proposed it.

He has also announced a new expansion, named "The Era of 315". It's unknown exactly what this expansion will contain, save that it will likely involve the near destruction of Highsec. Among the most popular changes among supporters is the new 'sec tax'. This means characters with a positive security status will now suffer a tax that is proportionate to their sec level. A character with +0.1 status will receive a tax of 10%, and a character of +5 status will find they are levied 500% of all their incomes. This money will be redistributed to those with negative security statuses, ensuring that this new policy will keep the economy balanced.

Asteroid belts will now also deal environmental damage of 10,000 omni per minute in Highsec, scaling down to 10 thermal damage per hour in -1 security Nullsec. The change is expected to drive up the number of residents of Lowsec and Nullsec, as well as the price of low end minerals. This policy has been perhaps the most heavily criticised change, with riverini of Eve News 24 blaming The Mittani for this feature. He said "This is clear evidence that The Mittani is corrupting the game. He has clearly stockpiled minerals for years in preparation of the event, and now Goonswarm will be able to completely take over nullsec with their supply of minerals. James 315 is literally Mittani."

James shrugged off this criticism, and posted a picture of himself laughing at their anger. When several carebears told him to kill himself, he uploaded another picture of him drinking a lake through a straw, with a caption saying 'Your tears, they are delicious.' Hundreds of NPC alts have taken to the forums to complain about their new leader. The newly knighted CCP James 315 has taken a back seat in the four hundred page long argument between his supporters and his opponents, though he has already wielded the ban hammer against his foes.

Among the most popular comments was "x accounts unsubbed", however CCP employees have commented that subscription numbers have actually risen. In other areas of the forums, James has posted ideas containing thoughts such as ships randomly exploding in Highsec. Since many carebears don't know Features & Ideas Discussion exists, it seems that James will take the overwhelming support of his followers as a clear sign it should be implemented.

These are truly exciting times for Eve Online, James has promised to completely revolutionise the game. It remains to be seen whether the new expansion will be received extremely well by the community, or only very well.


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. This was genuinely funny, keep up the good work.

  3. Malcolm Shinhwa1 July 2013 at 01:22

    I for one welcome James 315 as our new overlord.

  4. I was skeptical of this news site. I no longer am. Keep up the good work, providing fair and balanced reporting for the community.

  5. Good read. You messed up the Riverini quote though. It requires more typos.

  6. I want to fuck you James 315

  7. I wonder how this will be received over in the Mabrick's Mumblings group?
    Excellent article! Fun read!

  8. CCP are already doing what James 315 tells them to do, this development simply formalises the arrangement.

    Fun site, would read again.

  9. STill more reliable than evenews24 indeed.

  10. Interesting fake article...except for the fact that CCP is most likely under contract with Sony Entertainment to keep DUST514 running and randomly scrapping it would result in CCP being sued into Oblivion by Sony's army of Real life Lawyers

  11. troll post...as always, he cant do anything else

  12. I fully endorse this product and/or service.