The voice of the people

Thursday, 5 December 2013

Number of Pointless Streams 'Dangerously High'

On the eve of Twitch integration into Eve, a third party has ruled that the number of stupid and irrelevant streams is already hazardous, and the threat of hundreds of new streams of mining could tip the danger over the edge.

The report noted that streaming brain-numbingly boring things such as mining could in fact numb the brain. One poor Eve player was linked to a stream of a triple-box mining operation as a prank by his friends, but the joke turned sour when the player hit his head against the wall and suffered mild concussion. Upon his recovery the man spoke of his outrage that Twitch could allow such a stream:
"I was just enjoying life like your average Joe when my 'friends' sent a link to a stream for me to watch. What's the worse that could happen? I thought. But then I saw three Retrievers mining. The screen was so stationary it stunned me, I was confused, disorientated and ran headfirst into a wall. I'm not sure how Twitch can allow this, I reported it to them but they told me 'clients can stream what they want'. Quite frankly I'm disgusted about the lack of concern they show their customers so I will be taking legal action."
Medical experts are currently investigating the potential for pointless streams to be used for treatment. An Icelandic GP said he is using mission running streams to treat insomniacs, and was happy to speak to the Eve Onion about the treatment:
"I first got the idea for this when treating an Eve player who was electrocuted when he punched a hole in his monitor while watching a mining stream. Obviously we can't use mining streams themselves as they do much more harm than good, instead we use mission running or incursion streams. We simply ask the patient to sit down with the stream and they're happily asleep within minutes. It doesn't have the side-effects of the more boring streams which could potentially cause haemorrhaging, severe injuries to the rectum and in some cases death." 
 Mad Ani is also unimpressed by the rise of the pointless streams, and took time off from being a cunt to give his response to the Eve Onion:
"For a start I haven't forgiven you for telling me to stop begging three months ago. I have a job now, and I have to work on getting another job at CCP while running my stream and playing my unlicensed music, which means I don't have time to talk to irrelevant shitlords such as yourself. Anyway, these streamers can suck my dick." 
Speculators are worried Twitch could find itself going bankrupt under the weight of hundreds of lawsuits after its integration with Eve goes live on Tranquillity. Readers are advised to use twitch.tv with caution for the sake of their own health.

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